A couple of months ago I was asked to give a talk in church on trusting in God. At the end of my talk I told a story about an experience I had and then when I got home from church, I typed the story in blogger draft. Then I chickened out and didn’t post it. I don’t know why… because it was from a church talk? Because it was too personal? Because it happened over six years ago and really isn’t relevant to my life right now? I woke up this morning thinking about that story and how relevant it actually is to my life right now and how the lesson I learned from my experience will stay with me forever. And I guess I’m feeling a little bolder today so I’m now going to hit “publish post” and share my story with all of you.
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Kenny and I got married young, but despite our ages we were an extremely responsible couple. We are both planners and we had a “life plan” all mapped out. I would teach school and get him through law school, we’d save every penny, get his career started, get into a house, and then we would start our family. We followed our plan to the letter. He attended UVA Law school in Virginia while I taught Elementary school. We moved to San Diego and bought our first house. I continued to teach while Kenny passed the California Bar and started his career at a great law firm. Finally after six years of getting things in order, we were ready to start our family. I got pregnant immediately and we were thrilled. I was beyond ready to have a baby. Because we are both the oldest in our families this would be the first grandchild for both families. We told our parents at Christmas and everyone was ecstatic. So excited. I found out a close friend of mine was also pregnant and we were thrilled to be going through everything together. I had waited so long and been so patient and it was finally happening. A BABY! I had wanted to be a mom my whole life. Kenny and I went straight out and bought a brand new Honda Pilot. We were finally starting our family and would need a bigger car with more room.
I still remember how giddy and excited I felt sitting in the doctor’s office at the beginning of the second trimester waiting to hear my baby’s heartbeat. I still remember the shock and overwhelming pain I felt the moment I realized it wasn’t there.
I had miscarried. This was NOT part of the plan. I was completely devastated and so depressed. Because it was my first pregnancy I was also scared. Scared that something was wrong with me. Scared that I would always have difficulties carrying a child. I remember the day after I found out about the miscarriage the phone rang and it was the man who had sold us our Honda Pilot telling me that the car had come in and we could pick it up anytime. I started crying on the phone to him. Sobbed on and on about how we had bought the car because I was pregnant and now I wasn’t. Poor guy. I’m quite sure he thought I was a complete lunatic on the phone. I remember him saying “you’re still buying the car, right ma’m?” We did buy the car and I remember driving it to work everyday and how sad it made me. It felt so big and empty and was just one big constant reminder of what I had lost.
I remember praying a lot. And listening a lot. Trying to understand why. I knew that I had no control over the situation – which is such a difficult thing for a planner who likes to be in control. I knew that God was in control and I would just have to trust Him. I would have to trust God and remember that things happen for a reason. Even if it was hard to understand the reason at that time.
Months later I got pregnant again and was a nervous wreck the whole pregnancy. Everything went textbook perfect and on January 19, 2004 Ellie was born. I can’t imagine life without my Ellie.
I ended my talk saying “I’m still driving that Honda Pilot we bought 8 years ago. Now when I look in the rear view mirror I see my three beautiful children. All scrunched in next to each other. Their faces remind me every day to trust God — that things happen for a reason.” At this point in my talk I was crying and added “In fact, we are now getting ready to upgrade to a minivan — which is probably the real reason for all of these tears.” ;)
xoxo, Erin
Does that mean?????????? If it does, Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!
Well written Erin. Thanks for sharing something so personal. I can relate. I miscarried before Hannah and before Claire. It was really devastating, but trusting in God is a good lesson out of that for control freaks like us. :)
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve miscarried twice in the last 6 months (http://domesticdabblings.blogspot.com/search/label/Miscarriage) while trying for our second child and this was just the reminder I needed that God is in control and I need to just trust in Him.
What a beautiful story! I thank you so much for sharing it with us!!
Thank you so much for sharing, Erin. Such a great message and you have such an incredible way of sharing your heart. (I can relate to being a little nervous to push the ‘publish’ button.)
They say that teaching uplifts us all: thank-you for sharing your personal Story for it reinforces my faith&hope that I’ve been needing these days. Love your site. Wishing you all the best4good.
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Awwwww! Congratulations! I’m so happy that you are going to need a minivan! I’m also glad that you shared that story, today. It was a good reminder.
Thanks for sharing!
Hi Erin,
I also miscarried before my son was born. It was also my first pregnancy. It is amazing how many other women have had the same experience once you start to talk about it. :)
Thanks for sharing Erin! Every time I read I am blown away by similarities. We too followed a 5 year plan but were immediately blessed with our now 8 year old. 21 months later our 6 year old joined us. Then I lost 2. We were beginning to think that a third one was not in God’s plan when Mitchell arrived a few weeks before your Kole. I have been able to use my experience to help several women I know who have gone through similar experiences. We never know where God will lead us. Thank you for sharing and don’t be afraid to hit publish! I love reading where HE is involved.
And btw – I’m sure you’ll come around where the minivan is concerned. We swore we’d never get one and then #2 wouldn’t fit in the car with 6ft+ DH. I love our honda odyssey and I’ll never go back!
blessings
Alison
I have been following your blog, but I dont think I have commented before…love this story and thanks for sharing your heart!
and…I think a Congratulations are in order?!?!?!?!?
It is hard to share something so personal, but I’m sure it encouraged someone. Our children are blessing and God places them with us in His timing and for that we are grateful. I did laugh at the tears regarding the van…you’ll love it.
Thank you for sharing your story. I had 2 m/c before we had our first. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. In fact, we got rid of my Jetta bought a Chevy Tahoe right before my 2nd m/c so I totally relate to the car thing. I felt so lame driving around a big car with no babies in it, but now it is perfect for our 2 kids & dog! I blogged “my story” last year:
http://thelarsonlingo.blogspot.com/2009/10/today.html
I (like you) and thankful for God’s plan & God’s timing, because if I didn’t have my 2nd m/c then I wouldn’t have my sweet Kate.
you did a great job on your talk, erin! thanks for opening up and sharing so much of yourself.
p.s. i feel like i haven’t seen you guys in forever. i’m sure you’re super busy with life. hope all is going well!! ;)
I’m so sorry for your pain. Doesn’t it help knowing that there is a reason for everything and that you going through it will help someone else in the long run! Thank you for sharing and for the uplifting remind to always trust God!
Erin, I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how hard that was to go through, especially for a first pregnancy. Thank God for your beautiful babies! Thanks for sharing your story.
Our message at church this morning was about Trusting God. Yes, it’s easy to say we trust Him when things are going well, but the test comes when life hands you tough times to go through. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but am happy He blessed you richly after that.
HI, Erin
I completly know the pain you went thur with m/c as I went thur mine about 5 or 6 years ago. actually this month it will be 6 years when I find out my baby didn’t had heartbeat. I remember the day the doc told me and I completly broke down. I was completly heartbroken. Now I have two beautiful children that I thank the lord for. I still think of that first baby because she will always be my heart. Thank you for sharing!
Erin, what a beautifully written post. I am so glad you shared it with us. God bless you and your family.
Shannon in PA :)
So glad that you shared your story. I can also relate. My husband and I were married young (at 21) and waited several years to have a family. We also miscarried our first baby when I went in and they couldn’t find a heartbeat at 13 weeks. It took us 18 months to get pregnant again and we now have 4 beautiful children 6, 5, 2 and 5 months. We also drive a Honda Odyssey :)
Erin,
That story brought back a lot of memories. I will NEVER forget the Christmas announcement that you were pregnant with Ellie.
I remember being in TOTAL shock!! I cried out of happiness for you and sadness for me. Isn’t it funny how “our plans” sometimes work and sometimes don’t AT ALL. That is the biggest lesson I too have learned from our inabiltiy to conceive…God is in control, so stop worrying about it and just be happy. If I’m doing all that’s in my power, that’s all I can do. And beyond that, it does no good to stress over it.
Sure LOVED hanging with you at Christmas. Things never change with us! :)
Erin, thank you for sharing your story! You probably know that I have lost three babies- one through miscarriage and two from stillbirth. I don’t know if I’m there yet with “everything happens for a reason” but I am trying to accept God’s plan for my life, even though I still miss my babies and want them here every day. It’s a struggle, and I know that part of that is the unique loss of identical twin girls. I am so glad that you have your trio…and what a cute trio they are. I was thinking you were going to talk about your health after kole and coming to terms with not having more children (i thought you had an emergency hysterectomy?- but maybe i’m wrong). i am in that spot of wanting another child very badly but knowing that it’s probably not a possibility. that has been really hard for me to come to terms with, but i am doing okay with it all things considered. ((((hugs)))
I had 3 miscarriages and when I finally had my second baby, she got a virus at 8 months old causing her heart to fail and she now has permanent brain damage. She is visually impaired (among other disabilities) and depends on me for everything. She is the JOY of our family!
When I ask her two sisters what they think life would be like if Lindsay was “normal” they ALWAYS say, “We wouldn’t want to know!” God truly DOES know what He is doing!
Your blog has been a blessing to me AND a HUGE”organized shot in the arm” as I strive to start 2011 in an ORGANIZED way! Thanks for sharing your precious “inspiring-ly organized” life with us!
I had no idea! But it is true….He definitely does have a plan for us and we totally have to trust in him at all times. Thank you for this reminder, I really did need to hear it at this time!
BTW, are you loving your Odyssey…..we are sure LOVING ours. The space is amazing!
I’m going to be in Carlsbad for a weekend in February. Wish we could get together but it will be a quick one. Just me and Trav for my grandma’s 90th birthday party.
The saying goes, “Tell God your plans and he’ll laugh”. I think most people struggle through the hard times letting go- letting God be in control. Everything happens for a reason, I say this about everything, and if you have faith I believe that mantra will see you through. Thanks for sharing Erin!
Thank you for sharing Erin. I can’t say it enough.
I felt like I was reading my own story as I just read yours. I had no idea I miscarried with my first child until when I went to hear the heartbeat. I felt so broken! My college roommate/best friend was pregnant and due at the same time as I was. We had also bought a new SUV as soon as we knew, and I turned in my resignation for teaching for the following year for teaching so I could stay home with my baby. I wouldn’t drive the new car because it made me so, so sad, and I ended up teaching one more year. It’s still not something I will ever understand, but I realize that’s the way the timing worked out. God was still in control. I got pregnant again a few short months later, and I now have 2 sweet girls! I wouldn’t change it for the world! Thanks for sharing. I think it helps when we know others have gone through something similar!
Thanks so much for sharing this, Erin.
I have four wonderful kids. They didn’t come very easily as I don’t seem to be very fertile. Last spring I felt a very strong prompting that I should have another. I was 39, and frankly, all set with my four kids. But, the prompting came stronger, so I very nervously consulted with my husband who said he would think about it. We both fasted and prayed and new it was right. I got my IUD out and got pregnant right away!! It is totally meant to be, right? Wrong. I had a miscarriage. I should have been 11 weeks but had a 5 week gestation. Not only did I lose the baby, but unlike my other miscarriage (between kids 3 & 4) this one caused me intense bleeding, two E.R. visits, and finally a d & c. Not to mention emotional heartache, confusion, and over $5,000 in medical bills (our expenses after insurance). With the new year I am finally putting it all behind me. It seems we have so many hard times and tests of our faith. Sometimes answers don’t come for a long time. I am sorry for your heartache. It is devastating to lose a baby. Thanks again for sharing your story. You are amazing and incredible!
thank you for sharing your beautiful story. i had two mc’s myself and i remember the fear i felt that my life wasn’t going according to plan. i constantly remind myself that i am in God’s hands and only He knows what life has i store for me.
http://knitoneknittwo.blogspot.com/2009/12/faith.html
As hard as it is to share something so personal, it’s amazing to see and feel the support from so many that you might not even know in real life.
You know my history when it comes to pregnancy loss. It never gets easy, that is why we are so blessed to have our Heavenly Father to rely on.
ps. I’m confused…does the mini van comment mean you are pregnant again?! If so congrats!
Thank you for sharing that with us. It’s often so hard to just trust and not ask “why”.
I miscarried last year – my first miscarriage after having eight healthy pregnancies/babies. I wondered if it was my age? or did I do something “wrong” or different during this pregnancy? why did I lose this one? Sometimes there is no answer to “why” and we just have to trust God. He knows what’s best for us, because He sees everything and into the future, while we can only see the “right now”. I have five daughters, and it is very likely that at least one of them will experience a miscarriage one day. Perhaps God is preparing me for that, so that I can be a comfort to them, having now gone through it myself. Although I do miss that little one and always will, I am thankful for the “experience” that comes with this loss.
I LOVE it Erin! Even knowing your story, I would have loved to be there to hear your talk, especially the end, I am sure the congregation had a good laugh there! Great job recording a meaningful experience. And I do feel for the Honda guy, I would have done the same thing, poor guy. He probably hasn’t forgotten about it. :)
P.S. – now why haven’t you done a post about your new minivan???
Thanks for sharing that Erin. Miscarriages are so painful, and unfortunately so common. My grandfather used to say “the wheels keep turning,” and they do. Before you know it years pass, and father time has eased the pain. Now you have 3 beautiful children!!
I also miscarried our first pregnancy. It WAS miserable. But years later, I learned why it happened and where we would be if we had that baby. Thanks for sharing this story. It’s going to be a comfort to a lot of girls feeling those same things right now. Way to listen to The Holy Spirit!!!
I often think about how cool it’s going to be when we get to the other side and meet all those little spirits. They will have fascinating stories to tell and it will be such a blessing to finally fully understand the “why’s” to all of our questions.
Thank you for sharing your deeply personal story.
I just read this quote from my friend’s blog that I thought was very applicable to your post: We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us- Joseph Campbell.
That’s beautiful Erin. I have to laugh at you and the car guy…..I know how it feels to just not be able to stop crying right afterwards…I did that during a birthday party for my son and blamed my red eyes and running nose on allergies. I had to keep running up to the bathroom to cry and then come down and act normal. It’s so hard. I’m so glad you shared. I love the ending.
I’m so glad you shared, Erin! You obviously have ministered to a lot of people here. What a gift!
you made me cry.