Then I got what I wanted.
And suddenly I didn’t want it anymore.
Ellie was a hard, fussy newborn. Cried when I tried to set her down. Cried when I bathed her. Cried when I held, rock and bounced her. And especially cried when I tried to get her to sleep. Once I finally got her to sleep she would only sleep for a little while and then would wake up and start the crying all over again. Days and nights started running together. I was stressed. I was exhausted. I was lonely and depressed. This was NOT how I had envisioned my life as a stay at home mom. It became clear to me that the main thing both of us desperately needed was sleep. I was learning pretty quickly that babies don’t always know how to put themselves to sleep and then stay asleep long enough to get the rest they need. So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I started researching how to get my baby to sleep well. I bought and read books…lots of books…and I talked to other moms – friends of mine who had all been through the same thing. Everybody had different opinions and parenting styles and every book had different answers.
I’m certainly not claiming to be an expert, but I’m happy to share what I learned and what has worked for me with my three kids.
1) It’s all about teaching your baby to put himself to sleep ON HIS OWN. Without swings, without rocking, without nursing/bottle, without pacifiers. Babies who learn how to soothe themselves to sleep on their own will be good sleepers.
2) Babies who take good naps, sleep well at night. You might think “my baby didn’t nap today so she’ll sleep great tonight” and it is actually the exact opposite. The more babies sleep, the better they sleep.
3) It’s also all about sleep regularity. Babies thrive on routines and schedules (which is great for me because so do I!). Naps and bedtimes should occur at approximately the same time. I work really hard to schedule my day around naps (which was easy with the girls and will be harder to pull off with Kole).
6) Create a bedtime routine and be consistent doing the same thing each night. This signals bedtime for your baby.
Back to Ellie…
At three months I decided to let her “cry it out.” I told Kenny what I was doing and made him promise not to let me give in. When it was her bedtime I fed her and then rocked her singing a little song (starting a bedtime routine which is also key). Then I put her in the crib (awake), patted her and told her I loved her so much and it was time to go to sleep. I left the room. Ellie cried for 45 minutes that first night. I sat outside of her door and also cried for 45 minutes. Every 10-15 minutes I’d walk in and pat her tummy and tell her I loved her but she needed to go to sleep. I kept it brief. After 45 minutes of what felt like 5 hours of pure torture for me, she fell asleep. When she woke up in the night I cuddled her and fed her and loved her. Then the next night I did the same thing. When it was bedtime (which at three months isn’t set in stone – usually around two hours after their last nap) I fed her, rocked her, sang the same little song and then put her in her crib awake. I told her I loved her so much and it was time to go to sleep. I closed the door and thought I don’t know if I can do this again. Ellie cried for 5 minutes and then fell asleep. I couldn’t believe it! That was it. That was all it took with her. She had learned how to suck on her little hand and fingers to put herself to sleep and from then on she didn’t cry at bedtime. I always woke up and fed her in the night, but once she learned how to soothe herself back to sleep, she started sleeping better in the night. Before long she was going to bed and falling asleep by herself and also putting herself back to sleep in the night (all babies wake up periodically throughout the night). She was waking up happy and smiling and becoming a much happier baby and I was becoming a much happier mom.
(Ellie – 4 months old)
I did the same thing for naps. Put her in her crib (no bedtime routine) told her I loved her but she needed to go to sleep. Then we had a little bump in the road. She was falling asleep great on her own, but only sleeping 20 minutes. She’d wake up crying and I’d get her up and then she would be moody and fussy until I put her down for her next nap. She’d go right to sleep, but wake up 20 minutes later and be in a bad mood. I looked up what to do in one of my favorite books (which I’ll share with you) and realized I was going to have to let her cry it out during her nap because she wasn’t getting enough sleep. (When babies wake up rested they wake up happy and content and smiling) I put her down for a nap and then when she woke up after 20 minutes I let her cry. Not an easy thing to do, but I was more confident in what I was doing because it worked so well the first time. It took 4-5 days of letting her cry (she would cry about 15 minutes) and then that was it. From then on she would go right to sleep at nap time and after 20 minutes she would stir, suck on her fingers and then go back to sleep and sleep 2-3 hours. She’d wake up happy, cooing and smiling. Once she was sleeping well during naps she started sleeping straight through the night (no more night feedings!). And once I stop feeding my kids in the night (usually around 4-5 months for me – just whenever you can tell they don’t need it anymore) I don’t ever do it again! Sure you have night wakings once in awhile when they are sick, or you’re traveling and not on schedule, and I get up with them and rock or comfort them, but I don’t feed them anymore.
These are the three books I have learned a lot from and like the most. “Baby Wise” is all about sleep training from day one. Personally, I don’t agree with everything in this book. The philosophy is to let babies cry and learn to sleep on their own super early – during the newborn stage. It is also all about scheduling (rigid scheduling) from early on as well. I’ve always felt like during the newborn phase (birth to three months) it’s all about survival. It’s such a hard time on the mother that I think do whatever works, even if it means putting baby in the swing to sleep, etc. BUT … one thing I did learn from the book that helps so much is developing a routine early on. The pattern to follow is this: Feed time, Wake time, Sleep time, Feed time, Wake time, Sleep time over and over until you put them to sleep at night. The goal is that you’re getting them to sleep without feeding them to sleep and their body is developing a pattern that will induce sleeping through the night. I have friends who follow this book and swear by it. I follow it too…the feed, wake, sleep pattern, I just don’t let my newborns “cry it out.” When it’s time to get them to sleep I hold them, bounce them, rock them, put them in the swing, etc. Then when they’re 3-4 months old I let them cry if needed.
My favorite books are “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Marc Weissbluth and “Sleeping Through the Night” by Jodi A. Mindell. If you are going to buy a book to help you these are both great. I learned so much from these books. “Healthy Sleep Habits” covers everything and I have turned to it time and time again. “Sleeping Through the Night” is a great book to give you a step by step sleep training plan. If you have an older baby or toddler with bad sleep habits it’s not too late to get them on track, but there will be more crying involved. “Sleeping Through The Night” is a great book I’d recommend for this. It offers practical tips on bedtime – rather than middle of the night training. It also gives other tips for problems with toddlers. We followed what it said to do when Ellie started climbing out of her crib and the solution worked great.
If you have a newborn or are about to have a baby, start all of this early. At night, don’t pick them up the second they start fussing. A lot of times babies fuss for a minute and then put themselves back to sleep. If the fuss turns into a hungry cry, feed them…just wait a minute and see what they do first. Put them in their crib to sleep without sleep aids (pacifiers are great except then when they fall out your baby can’t put it back in…you want your baby to learn to fall asleep on his own).
With Kole, because I knew what I was doing, I started putting him to sleep in his crib at night about five days after I brought him home from the hospital. I have a rocking chair and changing table in his room so I’d feed him and change him in there. At about two months, I started putting him in his crib to nap whenever we were home (being the youngest of three, he obviously has to nap on the go a lot too). Sometimes I’d give him his pacifier, but if it fell out, I’d let him fuss a little to see if he would put himself to sleep. He would cry for a minute or two and then start sucking on his fingers and fall asleep. Because I was timing it right and consistently putting him in his crib to nap he picked up quickly what I expected him to do in his crib. He is such a good sleeper and I never even had to let him cry much. He’s almost four months old, goes to sleep on his own around 7:00 pm, I wake him and feed him at 11:00 pm (right before I go to bed) and then he sleeps until 5:00 or 6:30ish am. If he wakes up at 5:00 I feed him and put him back to bed for another hour or so. If he wakes up at 6:30 we are up for the day. (I like my kids to go to bed early and get up early because I need down time in the evening and I’m a morning person but you can obviously adjust their schedule to whatever works for you and your family).
A word on “crying it out.” I know. It’s not fun to listen to your baby cry. A mother’s instinct is to always comfort her baby. BUT you have to look at it as helping your baby get the sleep she needs. I went through 2 hard nights with Ellie and 4-5 hard afternoons listening to a little crying. That was it. Once it’s done, it’s done and she has been a great sleeper ever since. With Addison it was easier because I knew it was so worth it. She cried for around 20 minutes for 4-5 nights at four months old and then learned to suck her thumb and was a great sleeper after that.
(Addison – 4 months old)
With Kole, because I started it so early, he has hardly cried…maybe a little fussing for a minute or two and he’s asleep. Stick with it! I promise no long term damage is done! My kids have no recollection of crying a few nights in their crib and it was WAY harder on me than it was on them.
Oh…one other tip. All of my kids have liked to snuggle their faces in the side of their crib when learning to put themselves to sleep so I set them in the corner of their crib at bed time. This was Kole asleep during his nap this afternoon…
Good sleep habits are so important. Children need their sleep in order to be happy and healthy.
And moms need their sleep in order to survive the day with those happy, healthy children!
(Ellie – 8 months old)
{…and we all got a good nights sleep and lived happily ever after… the end!}
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