So. Help is gone. I’m about to start my first week alone. Alone taking care of three. I’m feeling a bit nervous tonight just trying to mentally prepare for the craziness that is about to take place.

This whole blood transfusion/hysterectomy ordeal has taken away a bit of my self confidence. I don’t really know why that is. Is it because I still don’t have my usual energy? Is it because of the all too familiar baby blues? Is it because I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I came close to dying? Is it because I’ve been so taken care of the last few weeks that I don’t remember how to run things around here myself? Maybe a little bit of all of the above. Whatever the reason, I’m feeling a bit anxious about the week ahead. Technically, I’m not totally alone. I have a handful of amazing friends and neighbors that have been checking in on me and helping with the girls. Plus people are still bringing in dinners. Kenny and I have been eating better food than ever before! No more Lean Cuisines around here. ;) I have been blown away by the kindness that has been shown to our family during this time.

Probably the main reason I feel a bit unsettled tonight is because I’m so dang tired. Kole is a good baby but he’s not doing me any favors in the sleep department. He is up and ready to eat about every two hours. It’s SO HARD being up all night! Honestly. If newborns just slept through the night, wouldn’t it make all the difference!? Then this stage wouldn’t be my absolute least favorite. I’ve decided that when he turns 3 months old and I’m done forever with newborn madness that Kenny needs to take me out. I’m thinking somewhere really nice. A restaurant that would require a new dress. A really pretty, fancy dress to wear to a really pretty, fancy restaurant. In reality we’ll probably just end up at Outback (I love their sauteed mushrooms). And I’ll probably splurge on a new green shirt to match the 35 other green shirts already in my closet. Whatever. We’ll celebrate just the same. :)

Just a couple pics of my little night owl –

caught another sleepy smile – love them

I’m “re posting” a letter I wrote to myself (back in February when sleep deprivation and hormones weren’t clouding my brain) to help me through the next two months. Time to take a little advice to me from me. Wish me luck this week!

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{**Preface – I’ve made no secret of the fact that the “newborn stage” of motherhood is not something I look forward to. I really struggled through this three month phase with both of my girls and am trying to mentally prepare for it one more time. So this is a little note – to me from me. Something that I can pull up and read when I’m in the thick of it. Hopefully it will help.}

Dear Erin,

This is a phase. You will not always feel this way. You will not always look this way. Repeat those three sentences five times. Take five deep breaths. Now read on.

Before you know it your days and nights will be two separate entities once again instead of one never ending black hole. It feels like forever away right now, but in the big scheme of things, it really is such a short period of time.

Be nice to Kenny. Try not to snap at him. Everything isn’t his fault. You’re just tired. In the night, when you’re up with the baby for the fourth time – and he rolls over and half asleep mumbles, “gee babe I’d love to help, but since you’re nursing” …snore snore snore… do NOT smother him with a pillow. This will be tempting, but you need him around to take Ellie to school the next morning.

If you’re feeling depressed, do one of the following. These things always make you feel better.
– Call family or a friend (you have several great friends close by)
– Organize something. A drawer, a closet, the fridge.
– Step outside. Even if it’s just into the backyard for a few minutes. Sunshine works wonders.

– Do NOT go shopping. Retail therapy backfires when you’re still carrying around baby weight.
– Do NOT eat away the blues. This is only a temporary upper that will result in more depression later on. (Besides you ate enough junk food during pregnancy to sustain you forever. And then for a week after that.)
– Do NOT make a drastic change to your hair. Color, cut, OR style. Chances are, you won’t love it and because of the hormonal state you’re in, the consequence of this little decision won’t be healthy for anyone.

Don’t stress when the house is a mess. Don’t stress when the girls are going to school with “daddy ponytails” once again. Don’t stress when at the end of the day you don’t have a nice hot meal ready to serve the family. (Ha! I put that last one in to make myself smile since I rarely have a nice hot meal ready to serve the family.)

Hang in there. This too shall pass. And before you know it, you’ll be going through your pictures on the computer – maybe for a blog post, or scrapbooking, or because you enjoy just looking at them – and you’ll see pictures of your newborn baby boy. He’ll look so unbelievably small and sweet. And you’ll wish so badly that he could be that small again. Just for a few days. So you could smell his cheeks and kiss his little feet and rock him to sleep one more time. Remember this when you feel tired and when the baby is fussy and when the house is a disaster. And try to enjoy every minute you have with your precious newborn boy.

Love, Erin