I remember one year ago today, April 10, 2010. I remember everything about that day.
I remember it was a Saturday morning. The girls were watching a movie with my mom in our playroom. My mom had been visiting to help with the baby and was flying home later that afternoon. Kenny was downstairs on an important call for work.
I remember waking up to the worst cramps. I ignored them and tried to feed Kole. Soon I couldn't ignore them any longer. I made it to the bathroom. I remember feeling light headed and knowing I was going to pass out. I was holding Kole and I remember screaming for my mom to come and grab him because I knew I was about to drop my baby.
I remember coming to and seeing Kenny by my side and telling him I was sorry I messed up his phone call.
I remember passing out again.
I remember coming to and being surrounded by so many faces. They were all talking at once and hooking IV's into my arms and trying to get me on a stretcher. I remember being stressed about the bathroom floor and rug.
I remember being carried out of my house on a stretcher and my mom holding Kole walking by my side and saying "it's ok honey -- look, I'm feeding him a bottle and he likes it -- the kids will be fine -- it's going to be ok." But she had tears in her eyes and her voice didn't sound sure that everything would be ok.
I remember going in and out of consciousness in the ambulance on the ride to the hospital and asking over and over where Kenny was. I remember someone saying "it's ok - your husband is riding in the front."
I remember how rushed everything was once I got to the hospital. I remember being taken to an ultra sound room and the lady who gave me the ultra sound looked at the monitor with a nervous look on her face and immediately left the room. She came back and I asked her "am I going to be ok?" and she said "let's just get you to the doctor." I remember the panic running through me. She wheeled me out of the room where Kenny and a doctor were waiting for me.
I remember seeing tears streaming down Kenny's cheeks. Kenny doesn't cry that often and the look on his face scared me more than anything else.
I remember saying to him "am I going to die?" and he said, "NO. You are going to be just fine. I don't know why I'm so emotional because everything is going to be ok." But his voice didn't sound sure that everything would be ok. I remember he had to hurry and sign some papers and then the doctor was rushing me down a long hall.
I remember thinking about my three kids. My girls. My new baby boy at home with my mom. I remember praying -- please please - my kids need me - please - I'm not ready to leave my family - please - I'm not ready to die. I was terrified and it was truly the scariest moment of my life.
I remember lots of doctors rushing around me in the operating room shouting orders at each other. I remember thinking of how it was like I was in a scene straight out of Grey's Anatomy.
I remember a lady grabbed my hand. I could feel my tears streaming down my cheeks. I told her I was scared and she told me to just relax.
I remember waking up (hours later) in the ICU and being in excruciating pain. I asked the nurse what had happened and she told me I had an emergency hysterectomy and a major blood transfusion. For some reason when she said "hysterectomy" I burst into tears. She held my hand and moved my hair out of my face and told me how lucky I was to be alive. I was in pain for four hours with Kenny by my side holding my hand and a nurse who kept upping my dose of morphine and wondering why it wasn't doing more to help me.
I remember our Bishop from our church (and a good friend of ours) appearing beside me. I remember he and Kenny giving me a blessing and soon after the blessing my pain started to slow down. Kenny and our Bishop were talking to each other at the end of my bed. Their voices were so soothing and for the first time that day I felt completely calm.
I remember the nurse asking them to leave so that I could get some rest. "NO!" I practically shouted. "I want them to stay." I remember immediately feeling bad for snapping at her because she had been so nice to me. I just didn't want the soothing voices to leave. I didn't want Kenny to leave me.
I remember waking up in a hospital room the next morning. Lots of nurses and doctors in and out checking on me. All of them telling me how lucky I was to be alive. Kenny would come to visit and stay as long as he could and then leave to help my mom with the kids.
I remember thanking God over and over for my husband. What would I do without him right now?
I remember him bringing his computer to the hospital and reading all of the comments on my blog and all of the e-mails I was receiving. People were so quick to send flowers and bring meals. So many people who cared. I was overwhelmed by it all and cried every time I thought about it.
I remember how amazing my mom was. She jumped into my life and just took over everything. Pre-school, Kindergarten, play dates, homework, extra curriculars, up in the night with my newborn, feeding, rocking, non-stop care, hospital visits so I could hold my new baby. She was incredible. So was my sister and so were my friends. They all took such good care of me.
I remember how grateful to God I was to be alive, but at the same time how sad I felt. For weeks after I came home I was SO depressed. So hormonal. So not my usual self. So tired.
I remember my dad coming to visit after I was home from the hospital and when he walked in the door after he had checked on me, he hugged my mom. They hugged and cried. It hit me what I had put them through. What I put my whole family through.
I remember months later starting to feel like myself again and how good it felt. I remember feeling beyond blessed for so many people who went out of their way to help me. Beyond blessed to be alive and happy.
I feel that way today.
I remember it all. April 10th, 2010 is a day I will never forget.