Monday, April 19, 2010

Update from Erin

Hello again friends. Update from Erin this time. :) What a crazy few weeks it has been. Physically, I'm healing and feeling a little more like me each day. I'm still pale and very weak. My energy level is low which is a bit frustrating. Feeding and taking care of Kole is pretty much all I can do right now. Emotionally I have been on a bit of a roller coaster feeling great one minute and sad, depressed, and anxious the next. I always get the "baby blues" for a couple of months after I give birth, but my emotions feel even more out of control because of everything that has happened during the last week and a half.

I lay in bed at night and so many things run through my mind. What if I had hemorrhaged and passed out when I was home alone with the girls? What if we hadn't made it to the hospital in time? So many doctors visited me in the hospital and told me how close I cut it - that if I had been an hour later... Then I think about what I put my family through - how stressed they were for a day not knowing if I was going to be ok. My mom at home fixing the girls snacks and entertaining them, acting like everything was fine, and then going into the bedroom to cry so they wouldn't see her. She said she didn't set Kole down the whole day. She just held him and cried on his little head. I think about Kenny and how emotional he was at the hospital just before they took me to the operating room. How scared I felt. I remember how much pain I was in after surgery. They pumped me full of pitosin during surgery to try to stop the bleeding without doing a hysterectomy and after surgery the pitosin had to run its course. I've never felt pain like that before. I think about all of these things laying in bed and the tears flow.

Then I think about all of the good. How after the pitosin wore off and the pain ceased I was given a blessing by Kenny and our Bishop. After, they started talking to each other at the foot of my bed and while I was listening to their familiar voices I started feeling calm for the first time. Feeling like everything would be ok. Of course the massive amounts of morphine I was being pumped full of may have also helped. :) I think about how blessed I am to have had three beautiful children - my little angels - before this happened. I think about my mom and how amazing she was during all of this. She completely took over. Took care of my kids, cleaned my house, did my laundry. Made sure the girls were happy and completely oblivious as to what was going on with their mom. She came to the hospital each evening to visit with me and bring Kole so I could hold him and feed him. She kept all of my family and friends up to date on how I was doing. She cried with me and laughed with me. I love her so much and will be forever grateful to her for all she did for me and my kids during this difficult time. Then I think of Kenny. How he didn't leave my side for one second through all of this. He was at the hospital first thing in the morning and stayed with me all day until it was time to go home to put the kids in bed. Then he'd stay up all night with Kole, take the girls to school the next morning and then head straight back to the hospital. He has taken such good care of me. Now that I'm home he's doing everything around the house and with the kids so that I can rest. He has even made a chart keeping track of what pills I need to take and when. I wouldn't have made it through this without him. I love him more than words can express.

I think about how grateful I am to God that I am still here. Here with my family. Here to blow dry Ellie's hair when she gets out of the tub. Here to feed Addison her "green yogurt" (key lime) each morning for breakfast. Here to kiss and love and cuddle my sweet little Kole. I also think about all of you. How grateful I am for friends who love and support me. I know Kenny said this before, be we really have been overwhelmed by the kindness, help, and prayers we've been given during this time. It means more than you'll ever know. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

I'm sorry. I know this post was all over the place. I have so much on my mind and it was therapeutic to write it all down. As hard as this experience has been, I'm grateful for it because it has reminded me of how precious life is. And how much I love mine.

71 comments:

amyd said...

I am in tears and so so so thankful that you made it through all of this. You have been on my mind a lot and I thought of all those awful "what-ifs" but none of them happened. God was watching out for you. You are so blessed. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be recovering from something like this and still trying to take care of a newborn. You and your family have been and will be in our prayers.

Lacie said...

It hard not to cry when reading that post. You are so blessed to have a sweet husband like Kenny. You remind me how important it is just to enjoy each day with your kids. Thanks for that I need it.

Sara Ancich said...

I am so glad you are back. Thank you for your never-ending candidness. That is what brings me back to this blog again and again.
Here's to continued healing.

Gina said...

I am so glad you made it through and are recovering well! What a terrifying experience. I had no idea such things could happen after the birth of a child!

You and your husband truly have a blessed life, as you have shared with your readers and in spite of such an awful thing happening, it would seem! :)

You inspire me to see more positive in my own life even with not everything perfect. Thank you. I need some inspiration like that in my life. ;) Thank you.

dawn said...

Dear Erin,

I only know you thru your blog but from my first visit here it was easy to see what a truly amazing woman you are. I'm so glad your at home with your family and recovering. I've been thinking of you everyday and praying for you. It was scary what you went thru and so lucky to have a sweet husband and amazing mom to get you thru this. I know a lot of us will be hugging our kids, husbands and family more and being even more grateful for what we all have in our lives. I'm actually crying writing this to you sooooo very happy for you and family that everything turned out ok. Take your time healing hold those babies of yours and treasure every minute with them and hubby and mom.

Sheena said...

I have been checking everyday to see an update! So glad I checked this morning right before I went to work. You have a beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us "out here"!

Still praying in Louisiana!

Donna said...

Hi Erin, soooo glad to see you up and typing again. I've been thinking about you and praying for a speedy recovery. Hang in there and just rest thats what your body needs right now. I was in tears with this post, I know all to well the what iff game that can go on in your head when things around you are all quiet. Just know that all of us here in your blog-land are eagerly awaiting the return of Erin...

Sarah said...

That is beautiful Erin. What a traumatic experience...and right after a baby when you are so sensitive...that is so difficult. I am so glad you are doing well, and I wish for you the quickest recovery possible...which probably means take it easy as possible for as long as possible. So glad you are home with those precious kids.

Jessica said...

Erin, it's so good to hear you are home and getting a little better each day. It was absolutely crazy to hear what happened. You really are amazing and have a wonderful family!

Amanda said...

God Bless you Erin...I learned of you and your sweet family from Sarah at Clover Lane...I have been glued here to your blog since, reading throuh the archives and especially enjoy your scrapbookin (I too love it) and seeing all your pics and prep for Kole...glad you are recovering well and I too suffered bb and depression after 2 of my 3, I can only imagine your emotions and hormones just keep your faith and know that this too shall pass...

Kelli said...

Erin, I know that through this people have reached out to you...people you don't know, including me. I have been touched by your story and how great to hear you are doing well and all that God is bringing you through. I pray for smooth and complete healing for you and strength for your family. And if I could bring you a meal I would (But I'm in Ohio). And I love your blog too btw, I love all of the organization!

Amber@Timeless Treasures said...

I am so happy that you are doing better, and it seems only natural to be emotionally all over the place. Reading your story has really touched me. I never thought about something going wrong after I gave birth. You are such a strong woman! Thank you for sharing with us on blog land! You see your family's true strength in moments like these. You have a lovely husband and it is more than obvious how much he loves and cares for you. Mothers pour out their hearts and souls and now it is time to be reciprocated. :o)

When you start to feel anxious just say this, "Inhale faith, exhale fear!" Everything will be okay, and try not to punish yourself by filling you head with worries of what ifs, although I'm sure that is easier said than done....Many blessings to you and your family and I'm so happy I found your blog!!
~Love from Kansas,
Amber

LeAnn Hafen said...

My cute little Erin, now that I'm crying from reading your sweet blog, I just want to tell you how glad that I am that you are starting to feel a little better. You scared us all so bad! I have thought so much about you lately and the important roll that you have played in Koni's live and also mine. I just love you like you're my own and I feel so bad that you're so far away and we couldn't even do anything to help you. Kiss all those cute kids for me and know that my thoughts and prayers have been with you and Kenny. I love you all!

Shari said...

Love you Erin!

Lacey said...

Love you Erin! So glad you are on the mend! You are an amazing person!

Jamie said...

So glad to hear from you... I know we have not "known" each other for that long but you have been on my heart, mind, and in my prayers quite often these past few weeks. I have told several people your story and we have all been praying for you and your sweet family. I wish we were closer so that I could come and help you guys out. So glad to hear that you are now able to focus on the positive side of all of this - savoring and appreciating those little moments with your family. If you need a "stranger" to cry too, please know that I am just a phone call away.

Becky said...

I am in tears reading this ... Oh my - I have thought so much about you and your family and so great to hear from you. What a beautiful touching post and tribute to those who love you so much. Get well soon.

That's Who I Am said...

Glad that you are back and feeling a little more like yourself each day. Take it easy and wait for your energy to get back before you do too much. What a wonderful husband and mom you have:) Still thinking and praying for you and your family everyday.

Amberlee said...

Erin,
It was good to read that you are on the good road to feeling better. You amaze me, you have been through quite a battle. Your family is wonderful because you are wonderful. People love you because you are positive and HAPPY all the time. I was happy to see a post from you, and to to hear all the once again inspiring words you had to share. I still pray for you and am so grateful that the lord worked his miracle that day. Take care of yourself and enjoy your family.

Becki said...

So happy you are home and feeling better. What a sweet post. Prayers to all of you.

Kami said...

I can't believe all you have just been through. You have been so blessed and I wish you a good recovery. I want to give your mom a big hug.

Deena ♥ Curtis said...

So glad to hear from YOU and to know you are on the mend and will be okay. Having the baby blues alone is HARD but man to have all the extras you had to endure is crazy!! Take one day at a time and know how much you are loved!!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Erin,
I do not know you. I heard of your story from a blog - The MOM Creative in Nashville TN. I read your blog and I LOVED it. Everything about it. I read about what happened to you and I prayed for you. I am glad you feel better. As a Mommy to an amazing 18 month old boy I cannot imagine how this must have felt. Feel better and God Bless you all. Mihaela L.

Katrina said...

Happy to hear you are home! You have such an amazing mom and husband! It's obvious how important you are to them, how much love there is in your family. You are truly blessed! Glad you are on the mend. Sounds like you will be up and back to your old self in no time:)

Bonnie said...

Erin I am so glad you are doing better! Great post, it gave me the sniffles! Keep resting & loving your sweet family!

Maren & Danny... said...

SO glad to see an update from YOU! Not that Kenny's updates weren't appreciated-cuz they were! But hearing from you makes me so happy-you are slowly getting back to yourself. And we all love that! You are amazing & I am so happy that you are recoving & doing well-considering all you have been through in such a short time. Hang in there & take care! Luv ya!

Paula O said...

wow..what a scary experience..overwhelming.. I was crying reading the post from Kenny..and I do not even know you personally..just through your blog..which I love! Feels weird, here I am in Canada and you there not even knowing me and I someone felt what you were going through. You are blessed to have those three kids first and God was watching out to make sure all those what ifs didnt happen!! I can relate to all that, I had an ectopic pregnancy that burst through my tube and I almost lost my life too, 4 pints of blood, three tranfusions and 3 months off work recovering..I remember thinking all the what ifs too, over and over and just the whole being told you almost died and knowing what your family was going through while waiting, it is very overwhelming. All I can say is take it day by day and do not expect too much of yourself..feel blessed and loved and know that everything will be okay..you can only go up from here. Enjoy your angels! God blessed me with another one after my ectopic, on one tube after two years of trying..I love my angel so much! I wish you all the best on your recovery

Julie said...

Erin~I found your blog via the P365 pages you created. Your work is very inspiring. I am so sorry for all you've been through. I had a very similar experience which was the result of a 2nd trimester miscarriage. But it sounds like you went into DIC. I had 25 transfusions, but fortunately did not need a hysterectomy which allowed my to have my third child. Miraculously even with a 3 day stay in ICU, I was pregnant 7 weeks later. The body does heal quickly. Anyway, reading what you wrote brought back many emotions for me, it truly is an emotional roller coaster that takes much longer to come to terms with. Take the help that comes from generous friends and family and know you will find a greater appreciation for your friends and value their friendships even more than you thought possible, it is one of the many blessings that will come from a difficult time.

Donna said...

Dear Erin I know I posted earlier I just have to do one more, I was just reading thru all you comments here, It is truely amazing the number of lives you have touched thru your blog and with all those prayers being offerd to the good Lord you will make an awesome recovery. I will continue to pray for you an easy recovery and for your family to continue to have the strength to help you. Kenny you are held in my prayers also, I can only imagine the strengh it is taking to help Erin thru this ordeal. Erin rember ONE DAY AT A TIME. Sometimes it is as little as one step at a time. Lean on your family and friends Love from ND Donna

Karen said...

So happy to hear you are feeling a little better. I stumbled upon you blog from somewhere else, and was saddened by your situation. I am so glad that God kept you here to take care of your beautiful family. Your family will be in my prayers. I had a baby unexpectedly in my forties and had PPD really bad. I found this ministry http://www.outofthevalley.org/ I really believe it saved my life. Please check it out. I pray that you can find some comfort and peace and know that it will take time to heal especially emotionally. Blessings to you and your family. xoxo

Amanda said...

Bless you sweet Erin! So glad to see your words again. They are always so real. Thanks for sharing. This is a reminder to all of us to be grateful and intentional with our blessings. Hope you get well and feeling good real soon!

Bobbidee said...

So happy to see this on here today. We have been praying for you and hoping things were going better. Thank you for the reminder of how precious life is and how much those around us really do love us and bless us. You are an inspiration to so many and I am glad you blog!!!

Lainee said...

I am so glad your back. I love how positive you are, it is amazing. I hope you can feel 100% really soon.

Kath said...

Thank you for sharing with us. Life is beautiful!

Malea said...

Keep writing those thoughts as they come. It's so good that you can express yourself so honestly. It's a talent that you have and it inspires people. I truly feel a sisterly love for you and I am so very grateful that we have these blogs in order to maintain a relationship. Keep resting. That's all, just rest. You will get through if you allow yourself the time to heal. With love, Malea

Love Being a Nonny said...

So glad you are feeling better and recovering....though slowly. I only know you through your blog but I went back and read every single post you have ever written. It is obvious that you are a blessing to so many and our Lord has plans for your future. May He continue to heal you. Take good care of yourself....there are some people who NEED you!

Lindsey said...

I am so glad you are back- I am sure this has been such a hard thing. And I am sure it is going to be a long road though. Remember to take it easy and allow your body time to heal. Things happen for a reason, you were lucky and very blessed. I am so glad things have worked out the way they did- it could have been even scarier. I am sure your mom hasn't minded one bit. I will be waiting to hear how things are going. In the meantime, just enjoy your family.

Brad and Kaci said...

Holy cow!!! Love ya Erin. So glad you are okay. I had my little boy just two days before all of this happened to you, and it has put a whole new perspective on everything! Life is so fragile and I am so happy you get to take care of that sweet little boy of yours! He is adorable. Love ya and take care of yourself!

Kevin and Andrea said...

My little boy just asked me why the computer is making me cry! LOL

Erin, I'm SO glad to hear that you are well, and healing, and back to blogging! (no pressure!) What an experience, i can't even imagine. Thank you for reminding me of home much I love (and NEED) my husband, Mom, and kids. I think I will hug aLL of them a little tighter tonight. Also, the priesthood.. isn't it an amazing thing we are so BLESSED to have in our homes and our daily lives?

Thanks for the post, keep feeling well!!
xoxoxoxo

Devan and Lexie said...

Oh Erin I'm so glad you are on the mend! You have the cutest family and are so lucky to have their help. I still feel so bad that you have to go through this. We love you and hope you get better quick!

autumn23 said...

So glad you are feeling better. You have a such a great family. Prayers for a speedy recovery!

amy said...

thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. i can only imagine the emotions you must have felt and are feeling. life is so precious. how grateful we all are that yours was spared. we love you & are praying that you are getting stronger & stronger each day. take care of you!!

Amy said...

Just found your blog the other day. Your story is amazing. So scary. So glad to hear you are feeling better. I just clicked on your "why I blog" button and seriously loved all 10 things. Blurb is the coolest. I'm currently working on book #3 (2009). Love them all. It's why I started a blog. All the little things that I would never think to scrapbook about, or would have forgotten by the time I got around to it. (LOVE it, but I'm way behind.) I'm need to go back and read some of your blog. I saw someone comment about your organization. Love that, too! :)

p.s. I adore your header and your red stripes along the sides. Did you do this yourself or have it designed?

Alli said...

...the most beautiful thing I've read in a long, long time. We're so relieved you are on the road to recovery. We'll continue to pray...
We are ready and waiting to help out in anyway you might need. I'm very good at housecleaning. :) Tatum would love to have Ellie (and Addison) over. We can drop off groceries at your doorstep. Anything...please don't hesitate. Love, prayers, and blessings to all 5 of you.

Amy said...

I just started reading your blog last week and I have been praying for you every day. I love project life too!

Josie said...

Erin! You have no idea how happy I am to hear from you!!! I feel like all I've done is worry about you the last week! I have been so anxious wanting to know exactly what was happening. I am so grateful that you are recovering, that you have such a great mom and that she has been able to be there and take care of everything! I am relieved to know the girls were pretty clueless, I have been so worried about them, thinking they'd be traumatized! And Ryan and I are especially grateful that our BFFs will be here, planning "family trips" with us for a long, long time! We all love you so much!

Tricia said...

Hello Erin.
I am new here. I have spent a great deal of time reading through your archives, and have been so blessed by how much your love for your sweet family shines through.
Thank you for sharing your heart.

With love and prayers,
XO*Tricia

Amy said...

Praising God for all He has done! Me and my family will continue to pray for you, your healing and your family. Blessings to you from Amy R (Riverside, Ca)

Mickell said...

Oh, I am so GLAD that you are on the mend! I have thought and prayed for you tons lately! I can't even imagine what you all have been through lately. Sounds like you are all doing so well and being SO strong! It's amazing how much Love and support family and friends can give!

It's true LIFE is SO PRECIOUS. I feel like I have been reminded that so much lately seeing what's going on all around me! I just hope it's not a sign for me :)

love ya TONS ERIN! Glad to hear you are back!

Joy Napolitano said...

I have been thinking about you everyday and so glad that you are doing better. I was so shocked when I heard what happened to you. Your experience definitely makes me apprecite life. I can't imagine what Kenny and your family went through. I can't wait to meet sweet little Kole.

Joy Napolitano

Dave, Gretchen, Cam, Abbie & Sadie said...

Oh Erin...I can't even imaginge what you are going through. As if having a newborn isn't hard enough! I am just so glad you are here to take care of him. I am sure it will be a while of getting better. I am so glad that you had enough energy to give us an update on how you are doing. I can't believe how many people have followed your blog and are praying for you. You are LOVED!! So very LOVED!! I hope you get feeling well soon. You are the best little mommy. I bet your darling girls are so happy to have their mommy home with them...to blow dry their hair. Isn't it amazing the 'little' things we take forgranted, until we are faced with the 'what ifs'!! I am thinking of you and praying for you. I love you! I can't wait to see that sweet little Kole, and kiss on him someday!! Get well!!

Rachel Doyle said...

Life is precious and when things like this happen your eyes are opened and innocence is gone. It is hard to "go back to normal" - but in the same sense it gives you a new appreciation of life and family - at least that is how I have felt when faced with my own mortality. I hope you get feeling better. You are in our prayers.

brandy said...

Erin,
I am sitting here at the computer with tears rolling down my cheeks. This was such a touching post. I can't imagine dealing with all the emotional aftermath of having a baby and then going through the most terrifying experience of your life.
You are so blessed to have so many people around you who love you. I hope that you can recover quickly so you can enjoy the things that make you happy :)

bryn said...

Erin and Family:

What a joy it was to read your post. Know that you are loved, know that this will take time to heal but that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Take time for yourself and your darling family. You are all in our thoughts and prayers.

Vera said...

You have been, and will continue to be, in my prayers since I read about your story on another blog! Be gentle with yourself.

Shalin said...

Gosh Erin! You always were such a great writer & I remember you wanted to be one when you "grew up" haha. Well now you are! Seriously you do it so well you had me in tears and as you were talking about your family & kids I was thinking if something were to ever happen to me or my family and it got to me. It's really so scary the things we can go through in life but always wonderful to know how many people are there for us! :) I've enjoyed reading your blog. Please keep us up to date as you keep on the road to recovery! :)

Tami said...

God bless you over and over again! Sounds like many prayers went up (and are still going)up for you. Here's to recovery and strength!

Koni Hunter said...

Hi my friend :)
What a treat to find you posting again. I saw your mom yesterday at Kathy Graff's funeral, she gave me your updates. You've been on my mind so much!
I am anxious for you to recover and come play with me this summer. Just think, in a few short months, all of this will be behind you and you'll be at Frost top getting a lime slushy! ahh...can't wait!
I love you Erin. Hang in there!
ps- I love how candid you are. It makes the rest of us feel "normal" :)

Amanda said...

Erin & Kenny,
Came across your blog this past week and catching up on what has been going on and I just had to drop you a note and let you know how happy I am that things are going well for you & your cute little family.
Having an experience like this will change you... change you forever. 5 years later I am still learning things from my experience.
I was in the ICU with my first when I was 26 weeks pregnant and the outlook was grim, for both my little Kade and myself. Thankfully things turned out ok but there is not a day that goes by that I am not reminded how fragile life is.
I have a picture that I keep on my fridge of my husband & I on vacation at a baseball game in Maryland. One night we are at the ball park eating hot dogs and Cracker Jacks and talking about the future of our little boy and the next day I found myself sedated in a hospital. This picture means so much to me. A daily reminder to never take anything for granted. I don't...and I doubt you will either!
Heres to a speedy recovery for you.
Take Care!

*ps Love the name Kole. It has been on my list for years. Unfortunately, my husband doesn't like the idea of Kade, Kendal & Kole. (KKK) :)

momoftwo said...

It is so nice to hear from YOU, Erin! What a blessing your family is to you. God is so good. Stay strong and continue to heal.

Bake Party of 6 said...

Erin ~ Wow, what a roller coaster ride! So surprised to hear about your experience the past week & half. So grateful your home and slowly getting better. I know you have lots of great family & friends to help you in S.D. I miss that wonderful ward family and I wish I could be there to help. Continue getting stronger and taking it easy. You guys are all in my prayers!

Jennifer L said...

Erin, you and your family are just amazing. I am in awe of the strength of all of you during this difficult time. I am so glad you are on the road to recovery with your cute Kenny helping you. I love you all so much and am so grateful for the love and friendship we have had for many many years. Love you all!
Jen

Angie Cazier said...

Erin, I'm so glad you are recovering. It's good to see you blogging again (I might be a slacker at mine but you can't be with yours). I thought of you a lot this week when we were at Kathy's funeral, Sarah, Trish and Koni were there and it was so great seeing them all and I know you were there in spirit. It was the most beautiful and spiritual funeral I have ever been to. We need to get together when you are able to come home again. Take care of yourself and give Kenny a big hug for me for taking such good care of you. Love ya

Darci said...

love you Erin! Hope each day is a little better!

malmal0505 said...

Hi, Erin. I am so glad that you are doing better and that you are home and resting...and back to the blogging world. Thank you for sharing this with us too. You and your family are in my prayers.

Kathy said...

Hi Erin,
I shed some tears when I read your blog. It really makes me grateful for life. I am so glad you are doing better. I am so glad your mom was there. She is such an amazing person. She takes care of all of us. I just love her so much, I feel blessed I get to share her with you. She is a wonderful grandma to Janie.
Take care of yourself ~ you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Hopie said...

I am so happy to hear from you again. I have been thinking about you so much. Thinking of Kenny and your mom and all that they have gone through. It makes my heart skip a beat to think of how close we came to losing you. I have thanked our Heavenly Father so many times for keeping you with us. Please be careful and take care of yourself. When people ask if they can help, just say "yes". Tell Kenny that you have all been in my thoughts and prayers. I love you and I'm glad you're back to blogging!!!

Sandy said...

Wow Erin! I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. I'm glad to hear that you are getting better. I know from experience how hard it can be after such an experience happens to you. If you ever want to email me, please feel free. I have been enjoying your blog since i started Project Life also this year. Love the pictures you take and your writings. You have such a beautiful family and I am glad God knew you were needed here on earth for a very long time!
Good thoughts and prayers sent your way!

Sam and Josh said...

Erin our prayers are with you. You are so inspirational and so strong. Hang in there and time will heal itself. You are an amazing Mom and such a sweet person. Your family is watched over and thank you for your sweet words.

Anonymous said...

Hi, you don't know me, but I stumbled upon your blog a few months back when looking for Project Life ideas. I was shocked when I checked in tonight and read the last few posts. I am so happy to hear that you are on the mend and that this all happened when you husband and mother were home with you. I will be thinking of you. I am so happy for you and your family that all turned out okay. Amy H

Deanna said...

Erin I am glad to know you are doing better. I have been emotional the last four months as well. I can't wait for Corbin to meet Kole.