Hello again friends. Update from Erin this time. :) What a crazy few weeks it has been. Physically, I'm healing and feeling a little more like me each day. I'm still pale and very weak. My energy level is low which is a bit frustrating. Feeding and taking care of Kole is pretty much all I can do right now. Emotionally I have been on a bit of a roller coaster feeling great one minute and sad, depressed, and anxious the next. I always get the "baby blues" for a couple of months after I give birth, but my emotions feel even more out of control because of everything that has happened during the last week and a half.
I lay in bed at night and so many things run through my mind. What if I had hemorrhaged and passed out when I was home alone with the girls? What if we hadn't made it to the hospital in time? So many doctors visited me in the hospital and told me how close I cut it - that if I had been an hour later... Then I think about what I put my family through - how stressed they were for a day not knowing if I was going to be ok. My mom at home fixing the girls snacks and entertaining them, acting like everything was fine, and then going into the bedroom to cry so they wouldn't see her. She said she didn't set Kole down the whole day. She just held him and cried on his little head. I think about Kenny and how emotional he was at the hospital just before they took me to the operating room. How scared I felt. I remember how much pain I was in after surgery. They pumped me full of pitosin during surgery to try to stop the bleeding without doing a hysterectomy and after surgery the pitosin had to run its course. I've never felt pain like that before. I think about all of these things laying in bed and the tears flow.
Then I think about all of the good. How after the pitosin wore off and the pain ceased I was given a blessing by Kenny and our Bishop. After, they started talking to each other at the foot of my bed and while I was listening to their familiar voices I started feeling calm for the first time. Feeling like everything would be ok. Of course the massive amounts of morphine I was being pumped full of may have also helped. :) I think about how blessed I am to have had three beautiful children - my little angels - before this happened. I think about my mom and how amazing she was during all of this. She completely took over. Took care of my kids, cleaned my house, did my laundry. Made sure the girls were happy and completely oblivious as to what was going on with their mom. She came to the hospital each evening to visit with me and bring Kole so I could hold him and feed him. She kept all of my family and friends up to date on how I was doing. She cried with me and laughed with me. I love her so much and will be forever grateful to her for all she did for me and my kids during this difficult time. Then I think of Kenny. How he didn't leave my side for one second through all of this. He was at the hospital first thing in the morning and stayed with me all day until it was time to go home to put the kids in bed. Then he'd stay up all night with Kole, take the girls to school the next morning and then head straight back to the hospital. He has taken such good care of me. Now that I'm home he's doing everything around the house and with the kids so that I can rest. He has even made a chart keeping track of what pills I need to take and when. I wouldn't have made it through this without him. I love him more than words can express.
I think about how grateful I am to God that I am still here. Here with my family. Here to blow dry Ellie's hair when she gets out of the tub. Here to feed Addison her "green yogurt" (key lime) each morning for breakfast. Here to kiss and love and cuddle my sweet little Kole. I also think about all of you. How grateful I am for friends who love and support me. I know Kenny said this before, be we really have been overwhelmed by the kindness, help, and prayers we've been given during this time. It means more than you'll ever know. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
I'm sorry. I know this post was all over the place. I have so much on my mind and it was therapeutic to write it all down. As hard as this experience has been, I'm grateful for it because it has reminded me of how precious life is. And how much I love mine.